Feelings

I sit here with an overabundance of thoughts going through my mind. I try to organize and sort them as they come but for some reason they clump all together as if they have some type of magnetic attraction to each other. My emotions race against one another trying to search for the finish line of understanding. I feel grateful for the support and grace that so many have displayed to me through this time, but I still have moments of disbelief and anger. I will sit down and practically have to pinch myself to remind me of the reality that she is in heaven and not coming back. I see others laughing and joyful with each other's company, wishing so much that I could have that same interaction with mom. Her smile that I stare at in so many pictures makes my memory of her so fresh as if she is going to wake me from this terrible nightmare and come hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. I do know in the depth of my heart that everything will be okay, but at the surface the feelings are still thrashing about as does the rough waters of a river as it tumbles over the rocks below. God, please blanket my thoughts and emotions with your love and grace today.