Good Morning God

Good morning God~

You have given me another day to be your servant and show you glory through the steps that are so excruciating to take lately. I have such a heavy heart of pain. The weight of my heart seems to be more than I can bear at moments. Although, those are the very moments I try and repeat over and over again that YOU are the wind beneath my wings, you are the mountain in the background that stand so firm. Lord, I am weak and you are strong. I never imagined I could feel this weak before, as if I am a young child who has not eaten in days but You are the bread and water that can feed my starving soul. You are the one I need more desperately each day to fulfill all my nourishment needs in every part of my life. I want to honor you today God and every day that you gift to me. Help me to focus my eyes upward instead of inward at my selfish thoughts. You are the almighty who saves the poorest of the poor. Thank you God...thank you....

Strength

I really don't exactly know where to begin....my emotions are strong today thinking of my mom and her birthday only one week away. I have thought many thoughts of how I want to handle that day that seems to be approaching faster than I can stand. I so badly want to make it a day of celebration of the great legacy my mom has traced behind her, but I need to stop trying to do muster up the strength to do that all on my own. I need God. God has the strength that I desperately keep trying to attain on my own ability by stretching, reaching, and jumping. Stop and "be still and know that I am God" he says. Why do I not remember that He will just gracefully give it to me if I would just let him? I need you God...more than ever. I praise you today for you are Holy and magnificent and can fulfill all my needs.

Feelings

I sit here with an overabundance of thoughts going through my mind. I try to organize and sort them as they come but for some reason they clump all together as if they have some type of magnetic attraction to each other. My emotions race against one another trying to search for the finish line of understanding. I feel grateful for the support and grace that so many have displayed to me through this time, but I still have moments of disbelief and anger. I will sit down and practically have to pinch myself to remind me of the reality that she is in heaven and not coming back. I see others laughing and joyful with each other's company, wishing so much that I could have that same interaction with mom. Her smile that I stare at in so many pictures makes my memory of her so fresh as if she is going to wake me from this terrible nightmare and come hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. I do know in the depth of my heart that everything will be okay, but at the surface the feelings are still thrashing about as does the rough waters of a river as it tumbles over the rocks below. God, please blanket my thoughts and emotions with your love and grace today.

What if she had known?

As I sit here and look around at all the beautiful pictures of my mom, I can't help but wonder what if she had known her time on earth would end November 12, 2009? What if I had known? Would I have talked differently, lived my life differently, or made different decisions? Obviously these questions cannot be answered during this earthly life, but I do know that these pictures of mom remind myself not only how precious life can be, but what a difference we can make on this earth for the short time we are here. We don't get to know when our mission is through, but I want to live my life and each moment as though it may be my last. Serving God and people throughout my daily activities an life. I cannot begin to fathom the great amount of joy mom must be experiencing right now, sitting near God and worshiping Him. Praise God, for he understands my sadness and how it collides with my happiness too. Someday I will be there too, but for now...I remember the times of laughter, sadness, joy and love between my mom and I. She was the best! Love you mom!

In Christ Love,

Roxanne