Belated Valentines

Yesterday was valentines day. A day that the world tries to express love to those around us through chocolate, cards and gifts. God is teaching me a lot about love lately. What does love really mean or even actually look like? I don't have the exact answer of course, but a few things I know is this...God is love, gives love, and shows love. He gives us love over and over again even when we least deserve it. Loving others around us is something he calls us to do but is often the opposite of what this world is cramming down our throat. Mom knew very well how to love others around her. She showed love to people around her without even trying, she was so caring. She had a strong desire to love God more but never really seem to give herself credit for it. She often put others needs before her own and I have many memories of her telling me how much she loved me. I often lay in bed at night, wondering what heaven must be like for her?. Can she see the days I am sad? Happy? Frustrated? Resentful? So many emotions repeat themselves in my mind just as the waves never stop crashing against the shore. Mom...just in case you didn't know, I am working really hard to work through my pain of losing you. I miss you so much, but I know I can be happy that you no longer have to endure the pain and hurt of this world. I hope you are happy, smiling, and enjoying every moment with God. Love you mom....Happy Valentines Day! (A day late)

Thinking of you.....

It is officially February now and 10 days from this point will be 3 months since losing mom, yet it feels as though it was yesterday I was holding her soft hand as I sat beside her in the hospital. The moments often flood back into my head, replaying themselves beyond my control and reminding me of the deep sense of pain I still have in my heart. I think...why didn't I just sit by her side constantly and tell her I love her a hundred times? She was the person I looked up to for advice, encouragement, and strength. She was my hero who could never fail. She believed in me and gave me the confidence to pursue through difficulties even when I did not believe in myself. Some days I daydream about returning to Hawaii, the land of her true love. I think of the white sandy beaches with the amazing blue colored waters and how she would just lay there admiring God's creation with the biggest smile filled with joy. I think of the brilliant green colored mountains that stand so tall before you that you always felt a sense of power when driving past them. She loved the families of Hawaii who put their love for each other above anything else and how she had a deep longing that one day her family would feel the same.

I love you mom. It is so hard for me to understand why God took you away from this earth. I know, I know....it is not for me to understand why, but to have faith in God's plan, so I keep repeating that to myself to that someday soon there will be more sense of faith then questions of why.....I am trying, really.....I am trying.