Miss her so.....

Dear God~
Here is a holiday weekend that mom always enjoyed. She loved to make her potato salad or cold bean salad. Those were a few of her specialties. She loved going to gatherings with family or friends and sharing laughter and love. I really miss her God, really…really miss her. It has been very painful. It was so hard tonight when I asked AnaTehya if she remembered the songs Tutu would sing and she replied, “I don’t remember her voice”. I just wish she was here to sing to them. I often feel such a deep fear of them forgetting the little things about Tutu. Cora told me this week that Tutu could always cheer anyone up. She loved us so much. The days have been so hard lately God, I just don’t really know how to deal. I often try and understand why both my parents have been taken from my earthly life? Why both? I just want them here to tell them all the daily updates, so they can respond with excitement and love. This is such a busy week and mom would help me through it all if she was here…I would call her to help me deal. Help me Lord; turn to you each moment of each day for your strength and peace this week. I need you.
Mom, you would be so proud of the kids. They are doing so well. Cora is becoming a lovely lady, Jacob is so smart and being assessed at school for advanced math classes, AnaTehya is blossoming into a very smart yet precious girl who knows what she wants in life, and last but not least there is Ty…he is so smart but he can’t live without his hugs and kisses. I wish you could hug them. They loved you so much. You always helped lighten my load just by listening to all I had to say about such silly life occurrences. Thank you mom, for the most amazing women you were for me, such an example I will never forget.

Belated Valentines

Yesterday was valentines day. A day that the world tries to express love to those around us through chocolate, cards and gifts. God is teaching me a lot about love lately. What does love really mean or even actually look like? I don't have the exact answer of course, but a few things I know is this...God is love, gives love, and shows love. He gives us love over and over again even when we least deserve it. Loving others around us is something he calls us to do but is often the opposite of what this world is cramming down our throat. Mom knew very well how to love others around her. She showed love to people around her without even trying, she was so caring. She had a strong desire to love God more but never really seem to give herself credit for it. She often put others needs before her own and I have many memories of her telling me how much she loved me. I often lay in bed at night, wondering what heaven must be like for her?. Can she see the days I am sad? Happy? Frustrated? Resentful? So many emotions repeat themselves in my mind just as the waves never stop crashing against the shore. Mom...just in case you didn't know, I am working really hard to work through my pain of losing you. I miss you so much, but I know I can be happy that you no longer have to endure the pain and hurt of this world. I hope you are happy, smiling, and enjoying every moment with God. Love you mom....Happy Valentines Day! (A day late)

Thinking of you.....

It is officially February now and 10 days from this point will be 3 months since losing mom, yet it feels as though it was yesterday I was holding her soft hand as I sat beside her in the hospital. The moments often flood back into my head, replaying themselves beyond my control and reminding me of the deep sense of pain I still have in my heart. I think...why didn't I just sit by her side constantly and tell her I love her a hundred times? She was the person I looked up to for advice, encouragement, and strength. She was my hero who could never fail. She believed in me and gave me the confidence to pursue through difficulties even when I did not believe in myself. Some days I daydream about returning to Hawaii, the land of her true love. I think of the white sandy beaches with the amazing blue colored waters and how she would just lay there admiring God's creation with the biggest smile filled with joy. I think of the brilliant green colored mountains that stand so tall before you that you always felt a sense of power when driving past them. She loved the families of Hawaii who put their love for each other above anything else and how she had a deep longing that one day her family would feel the same.

I love you mom. It is so hard for me to understand why God took you away from this earth. I know, I know....it is not for me to understand why, but to have faith in God's plan, so I keep repeating that to myself to that someday soon there will be more sense of faith then questions of why.....I am trying, really.....I am trying.

Good Morning God

Good morning God~

You have given me another day to be your servant and show you glory through the steps that are so excruciating to take lately. I have such a heavy heart of pain. The weight of my heart seems to be more than I can bear at moments. Although, those are the very moments I try and repeat over and over again that YOU are the wind beneath my wings, you are the mountain in the background that stand so firm. Lord, I am weak and you are strong. I never imagined I could feel this weak before, as if I am a young child who has not eaten in days but You are the bread and water that can feed my starving soul. You are the one I need more desperately each day to fulfill all my nourishment needs in every part of my life. I want to honor you today God and every day that you gift to me. Help me to focus my eyes upward instead of inward at my selfish thoughts. You are the almighty who saves the poorest of the poor. Thank you God...thank you....

Strength

I really don't exactly know where to begin....my emotions are strong today thinking of my mom and her birthday only one week away. I have thought many thoughts of how I want to handle that day that seems to be approaching faster than I can stand. I so badly want to make it a day of celebration of the great legacy my mom has traced behind her, but I need to stop trying to do muster up the strength to do that all on my own. I need God. God has the strength that I desperately keep trying to attain on my own ability by stretching, reaching, and jumping. Stop and "be still and know that I am God" he says. Why do I not remember that He will just gracefully give it to me if I would just let him? I need you God...more than ever. I praise you today for you are Holy and magnificent and can fulfill all my needs.

Feelings

I sit here with an overabundance of thoughts going through my mind. I try to organize and sort them as they come but for some reason they clump all together as if they have some type of magnetic attraction to each other. My emotions race against one another trying to search for the finish line of understanding. I feel grateful for the support and grace that so many have displayed to me through this time, but I still have moments of disbelief and anger. I will sit down and practically have to pinch myself to remind me of the reality that she is in heaven and not coming back. I see others laughing and joyful with each other's company, wishing so much that I could have that same interaction with mom. Her smile that I stare at in so many pictures makes my memory of her so fresh as if she is going to wake me from this terrible nightmare and come hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. I do know in the depth of my heart that everything will be okay, but at the surface the feelings are still thrashing about as does the rough waters of a river as it tumbles over the rocks below. God, please blanket my thoughts and emotions with your love and grace today.

What if she had known?

As I sit here and look around at all the beautiful pictures of my mom, I can't help but wonder what if she had known her time on earth would end November 12, 2009? What if I had known? Would I have talked differently, lived my life differently, or made different decisions? Obviously these questions cannot be answered during this earthly life, but I do know that these pictures of mom remind myself not only how precious life can be, but what a difference we can make on this earth for the short time we are here. We don't get to know when our mission is through, but I want to live my life and each moment as though it may be my last. Serving God and people throughout my daily activities an life. I cannot begin to fathom the great amount of joy mom must be experiencing right now, sitting near God and worshiping Him. Praise God, for he understands my sadness and how it collides with my happiness too. Someday I will be there too, but for now...I remember the times of laughter, sadness, joy and love between my mom and I. She was the best! Love you mom!

In Christ Love,

Roxanne